Q. E. Mother****ing D.

The Doctor Who Drinking Game

Right, so I’ve been thinking of this for a while, but here it is. The Doctor Who Drinking Game. These are only the rules I’ve come up with, so if you can think of any more then feel free to reblog this and add some on. 

The rules are simple: you watch a Doctor Who serial (classic or new) and follow the relevant rules.

These rules apply to ALL Doctors:

You must drink…

  • Every time characters having a conversation position themselves in a way that means the camera sees their faces, but is completely impractical for actually holding a conversation.
  • Whenever the sets wobble.
  • Whenever someone is knocked unconscious by a single blow to the back of the head.
  • Whenever the show features an ontological or bootstrap paradox, whereby information or an object can exist without ever having been created. 
  • Any character is killed (unless they are a main character). 

You must down your drink when…

  • Someone asks, “Doctor who?”

Special moments:

  • Whenever a companion dies or leaves the show (even if they will return in a later serial), all players must observe a moment’s silence in appreciation of said companion’s contribution to the TARDIS team, before downing their drink as a mark of respect.  
  • If the Doctor regenerates or dies outright, all players must rise and salute the Time Lord’s heroic sacrifice, chorus that regeneration’s catchphrase if he has one (i.e. “Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow”, “Would you like a jelly baby?”, “Fantastic!”) and then down the remainder of their drink. 
  • If any player can identify a continuity error or plot inconsistency (backing it up with suitable references and evidence), and this can be corroborated by Wikipedia or the TARDIS wikia, then that player can select any less observant player who must drink as a forfeit for their complacency. Note: this rule only applies if the inconsistency is apparent on screen at the time or directly mentioned, so players must be vigilant throughout the serial for such cues. 

These rules apply to serials involving the First Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Whisky and coke. 

You must drink whenever…

  • Susan screams, collapses, sprains her ankle or grabs a hold of the nearest person to keep from doing any of the above. 
  • Ian or Barbara talk about going home.
  • The TARDIS team are locked out of the TARDIS or otherwise unable to escape in it. 
  • People refer to it as “the ship” rather than the TARDIS. 
  • The Doctor gets Ian’s name wrong.
  • William Hartnell (or, indeed, any actor) forgets or stumbles over his/their lines. 

Note: I have only seen a few First Doctor stories that do not have the Ian/Barbara/Susan team, and so most of my rules relate to them. If you have some for Vicki, Steven, Ben, Polly, Dodo, Katarina, etc., then please add them on. 

These rules apply to serials involving the Second Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Alcoholic ginger beer. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor and Jamie touch each other. Drink twice if they touch each other but quite pointedly do not touch another companion.
  • The Doctor plays his recorder. 
  • The Doctor gets flustered or starts to panic. 
  • Jamie expresses wonder at a piece of contemporary technology (i.e. barbed wire).
  • Jamie fails to express wonder at an outlandishly advanced and impressive piece of technology.
  • Zoe does something incredibly clever. 
  • The Doctor says, “Oh my giddy aunt!”

These rules apply to serials involving the Third Doctor: 

Drink suggestion: Creme de menthe, or something suitably dandy. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor physically engages an enemy using some form of martial art. 
  • Bessie appears.
  • The Doctor brings out a new gadget.
  • The Doctor makes a disparaging remark about the human race or a specific human. 
  • The Master appears. 
  • The Doctor advises someone to “reverse the polarity”. Double if it is, “of the neutron flow”.

Extra rule:

  • Whenever Roger Delgado’s Master removes a disguise and reveals his identity, all players must gasp in shock, clutch their chests in horror and drink deeply to calm themselves down. 

These rules apply to serials involving the Fourth Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Tequila Sunrise. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor offers someone a jelly baby.
  • A female companion mocks the Doctor (i.e. Sarah Jane in Pyramids of Mars, Romana in pretty much anything, etc.)
  • K9 says, “Affirmative”. 
  • The Doctor sulks. 
  • The Doctor fires a gun or uses a weapon.
  • K9 shoots something or someone. 
  • The Doctor directly addresses the audience. 
  • The Doctor chastises a companion for being childish or violent (drink double if he then goes on to act childish or get saved by her violent tendencies). 

These rules apply to serials involving the Fifth Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Vanilla float (because if there’s one word to describe Five, I think it’s probably “vanilla”).

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor runs out of breath when trying to explain something. 
  • Tegan starts bickering with someone. 
  • Turlough does something sneaky (i.e. sabotages the TARDIS, lies to people, doesn’t have eyebrows - it really depends on how strictly you want to take this game).
  • A villain from a previous story returns. 
  • Adric needs a slap. 
  • Some grabs Nyssa, either to lift her, steer her, push her or for any other reason.

These rules apply to serials involving the Sixth Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Pear cider. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor and Peri argue. 
  • The Doctor acts like a bit of a dick to any species or being he sees as inferior.
  • Peri’s accent slips back to English. 
  • Peri complains about something.
  • It is generally agreed that Peri needs to put a jumper on. 
  • The Doctor goes off on a grandiose monologue.

Note: If watching Mindwarp, then everything that Brian Blessed says must be echoed with, “Hear, hear!”, and should be toasted. If there is not enough drink or liver capacity for a drink after everything he says, then a simple toast at the end of the serial will suffice, so long as general and vocal agreement is interspersed along the way.

These rules apply to serials involving the Seventh Doctor:

Drink suggestion: A ruby ale. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor rolls his R’s. 
  • A villain recognises the Doctor as an enemy from a previous, unseen adventure. 
  • Ace blows something up.
  • The Doctor flummoxes his enemies with magic tricks. 
  • The Doctor hooks his umbrella over something. 
  • Ace uses ’80s slang that makes you want to cover your eyes and groan. 

Extra rule:

  • This Doctor was cut down in his prime, and as I’m sure many know, there was an overarching storyline behind his last couple of series detailing his gradual ascent to the role of Time’s Champion. Whenever this storyline is alluded to, all players should remove their Panama hats, hold their question mark-shaped umbrellas upright and mourn what might have been. If players are not wearing Panama hats or holding such umbrellas, a contemplative drink will suffice.

These rules apply to the 1996 Doctor Who film starring the Eighth Doctor (and to any future televised adventures that may include him):

Drink suggestion: Lady Grey tea with a generous lashing of rum.

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor finds himself in a frustratingly simplistic predicament that he would normally be more than capable of dealing with were it not for his propensity for amnesia.
  • The Master first appears looking like the Terminator.
  • The Master first appears looking like the Terminator cosplaying as a Time Lord. 
  • The Doctor appears to channel previous Doctors in a post-regenerative stupor. 

Extra rules:

  • When the TARDIS’ new interior is first seen, all players will nod approvingly and appreciate its steampunk Verne-ian qualities. Any who are caught not appreciating the TARDIS interior will be made to down their drinks as forfeits. 
  • When the Doctor and Grace kiss, one of two reactions are permissible. Die-hard traditionalists are encouraged to throw down their caps, down their drinks and complain vehemently about the sexualisation of a classic British landmark. Mindless romantics are allowed to quietly sip their drinks and laud the introduction of a new dimension to this powerful and epic character.
  • Ridiculous and inflammatory statements like, “But he should be with ROSE!!” must be met with condescension. If this happens, the most committed Whovian, the strongest player or the owner of the DVD (whoever is most sober) should deliver a sharp slap to the offender before sending them into a corner to read Twilight. 

The following rules apply to the 2005 revival (a.k.a. New Who), and so some more base rules are necessary. 

You must drink…

  • Whenever the sonic screwdriver is used as a deus ex machina solution to a problem (so, really, for anything other than opening a door or undoing a screw). 
  • If the explanation of a science fiction concept can be boiled down simply to “timey-wimey”, “spacey-wacey”, “wibbly-wobbly” or a perception filter. 
  • If an episode causes you to want to shake your fist and cry, “Moffat!!”. Even if it was not written by Steven Moffat. 
  • When anybody kisses. 
  • If an alien threat is arrested or chastised under the authority of the Shadow Proclamation. 
  • Reference is made to the running theme of that series (i.e. Bad Wolf, Torchwood, Mr. Saxon, etc.)
  • Fans of Classic Who should drink whenever a direct reference is made to a classic serial. Any self-proclaimed classic fans who do not pick up on a reference that someone else catches can be made to down their drink as penance. 

The following rules apply to episodes involving the Ninth Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Vodka and tonic. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor says, “Fantastic”. 
  • The TARDIS lands in Cardiff. 
  • The Doctor insults a species, place or person. 
  • The Doctor is emasculated.
  • The Doctor and Rose eat chips. 
  • Rose disobeys the Doctor’s orders. 

The following rules apply to episodes involving the Tenth Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Banana daiquiri. 

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor says a phrase in another language. 
  • The Doctor changes his costume from the normal (i.e. with the addition of glasses, removal of coat or jacket, etc.) 
  • "What?!"
  • The Doctor puts on a pair of glasses that he doesn’t need to wear in order to look smart. 
  • A companion makes fun of him.
  • Martha pines.
  • Donna tells the Doctor off.
  • The Doctor defuses a tense situation by suddenly changing the subject. 

Extra rule:

  • It’s pretty obvious that the Tenth Doctor is a bit maudlin, and can occasionally get a bit… insufferably gloomy. Whenever players feel the Doctor is getting a bit down in the dumps because of Rose leaving, Martha leaving, Donna leaving, the Time Lords dying, the Master committing suicide… OK, let’s leave the list for a second. But in any case, when players think he’s getting a bit self-indulgent, they should all shout, “Cheer up, Doctor!” and make him a stiff drink to try to lift his spirits. Then, remembering that he is a fictional character and so cannot drink said drink, players should just drink it themselves, to make them feel better. 

These rules apply to episodes involving the Eleventh Doctor:

Drink suggestion: Ribena. From the carton. With a special straw.

You must drink whenever…

  • The Doctor does something grandfatherly, such as advising people to put jumpers on or disapproving of humans doing sex stuff. 
  • River says, “Spoilers.”*
  • The Doctor describes something as cool. 
  • The Doctor completely ignores an important and unresolved mystery in favour of running off and finding another adventure. 
  • Amy, Rory or River tell the Doctor off.* 
  • Someone isn’t real and doesn’t know it. 
  • River shoots the Doctor’s hat. 
  • "Hello, sweetie."*
  • The TARDIS is called sexy. 

*Also apply to the Tenth Doctor. 

——

So, there we have it. A comprehensive list of rules for a Doctor Who drinking game. 

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